How do you deal with being safe and not transmitting STDs and stuff?

I have to admit that I’ve had to re-educate myself on safer sex for this day and age – not only what infections are lurking out there, but also what risks are associated with the activities we like and want to do. And it’s not as easy and straighforward as I had hoped. I had expected that I could just Google the risks, that the information was out there and easy enough to find if you looked, but no! There’s a lot of false information out there, and there are huge gaps in the research, particuarly around lesbian or (female-female) risk.

I would always recommend doing your own research and then chosing which risks you are willing to take. Discuss your risk tolerance with partners and follow the rule that the slowest person choses the pace, or in this case, the person with the least risk tolerance choses the activities so that everyone is within their boundaries. If your potential partner’s risk tolerance means that you won’t be able to enjoy the encounter (let’s say they require condoms for fellatio, but you can’t stand that) then you’re not a match. No one should ever be pushed out of their sexual health comfort zone.

Practically speaking, for Thrill and I, we follow a few firm rules that I hope will keep us as safe as possible while allowing us to enjoy our encounters.

1. Communication! We discuss our own risk tolerance with each other, before new encounters to make sure we both know where we stand. And we also discuss safer sex practices before engaging in higher risk activities or full-out sex with partners.
2. Testing. We test every 6 months, at a minimum and more when we’ve had new encounters (regardless of whether they are new partners, since we do not police our partner’s activities).
3. Condoms. They are required for PIV penetration. I rarely perform oral on men, and never to completion and, in order to enjoy it, I do not insist on condoms/dental dams for oral sex. I’ve looked into the risks, which include precum from men, and secretions from women, and I’m more comfortable with cunnilingus, but still occassionally accept the risk with fellatio. Thrill is on the same page with this one. Fresh condoms are used with toys, and any partner switching. We carry non-latex condoms in a variety of sizes, so we can be responsible for our own needs.
4. Hand washing and general hygiene. Digital penetration should be done with clean fingers. Etc.
5. Chosing not to partake in higer risk activities. We have not had penetrative anal sex with play partners, nor had either Thrill or a man cum in a play partners mouth. This is our choice for now, and may change with new experiences, partners or situations.
6. Commitment to continuing education. I check out the latest research as I find it. I look for peer reviewed articles and valid, tracked sources. We do our best to separate out fact from opinion. It can be tough – for instance, what is the relative risk of STI transmission for scissoring or tribbing (two women rubbing vulvas)? There’s not a lot of information out there. Is it a higher risk than cum in mouth, than cunniligus, or less? I’m still looking for the definitive answer on this one, but I’ve seen a lot of opinions being expressed without the science to back it up.

How much ends up getting talked about before hand–what everyone wants, is expecting, and is comfortable with?

Well, this really depends on who you are talking to. Some people like to have random encoutners with strangers. They may meet at a club and hook-up right away or migrate to each other during an orgy at a party. In those cases, I’m sure there’s not necessarily much conversation.

Thrill and I, however, are not generally into random, down to fuck (DTF) hook-ups. We like to get to know the people we play with, making a friendly, social connection first and then moving on to more. We’re what people tend to call a friends with benefits (FWB) couple.

We like to communicate, as I mentioned in my last answer. We talk about our most recent STI tests, our comfort with certain activities and what we’re all looking for. We ask questions about our partners – what do they like, what would they say their orientation is – where do they fall on the Kiney Scale, what are their boundaries and hard limits? Are they soft swap (generally meaning no penetration) or full-swap (penetration is A-OK)? What level of aggression is cool, hair pulling, ass slapping, dirty talk? And we make a point of letting people know about our needs and boundries, too.

Some of this may happen in online conversations, through direct messages or email, or even at an in-person meeting. We like to get together for a “date”, with a drink or two (not too many), and talk and laugh and flirt. If there’s a good connection, and we’re comfortable playing from the same playbook, we’ll make a second date.

Not everyone is as forward and up-front, and once in a while we expereince some drama. It is pretty rare though, as once we start talking, people tend to feel comfortable also opening up their communication with us.

I do feel that it’s really important to let everyone know where you hope, want or expect a night out to go – just talk it out!

What do you do to maintain the strength of the primary relationship?

So many things! We make dates with just the two of us. We make a point of reconnecting after any experience that involved other people. It’s kind of like make-up sex, but even better. I don’t know if it is “Sperm Wars” for both sexes or what but, knowing that your partner has been playing with someone else can be a huge turn on. It’s almost a primal urge for us to reconnect after we have sex with other people.

We are a team, and we do our best to remind each other of that fact regularly. We spend a lot of time together, and connect as best we can when we’re apart (texting, messaging, talking on the phone).